This column only rarely mentions the man (or woman) in black - or occasional alternative hues these days. We leave it up to the Annies, DCB and others to explain how their understanding and interpretation of the laws of football is so much more accurate, and less subjective naturally, than that of any referee or assistant referee. How any set-back is purely the result of incompetent decision making by officials and has nothing to do with their team's deficiencies or the superiority of the opposition. That the major outbursts of invective invariably coincide with defeat is seen as confirmation that the officiating was at fault not that the outraged one venting his or her spleen is about as objective concerning the fortunes of their club as a Jehovah's Witness discussing atheism.

It's therefore with more than the usual pleasure that I can report Yeovil Town's comfortable victory on Monday. Hednesfraud came playing for a draw and once this game plan was holed in four minutes by a Nick Crittenden goal, his first for the club, had no substitute one. It was one of those 4-2 scorelines where there was never any doubt who the victors were going to be. Thus the extraordinary and eccentric performance of the referee can be commented on without the danger of accusations that this is just the usual example of losers whinging and whining about officials. Pots and kettles need not apply. And talking of kettles brings us to Mr T. Kettle of Maidenhead. His application of the laws of football was quite bizarre; in fact as we moved into the second half his confusion reached delirium and he simply made up new ones as he went along. Did you know that in a one on one situation when a defender already on a yellow pulls a striker through on goal down the striker can be booked for "persistence"? According to Mr Kettle you can. Or that having allowed a player to take quick free kicks all through game you then suddenly book the same player for........ taking a quick free kick. Mr Kettle does. A red card mandatory for keepers handling goal bound shots outside the area? Not in Mr Kettle's cut and paste "The Idiots Guide to Refereeing". If Hednesfraud's first penalty was a penalty then it had to be a tackle from behind. No longer a bookable offence according to Mr Kettle. Over fifty free kicks were awarded, forty-one of them for alleged fouls - in an increasingly arbitrary and random way - in a match everyone saw as clean. Except Mr Kettle. Which way the free kick actually went was a total lottery. When Mr North was promoted this season to the League we at Huish Park, who seemed to get him more than most, breathed a sigh of relief as we knew the only joke bigger than this step up was the man's refereeing. However let me be the first in the queue to say: "Come back North, all is forgiven." No prizes for what the "T" in Mr T Kettle stands for.

Meanwhile, at other grounds something more resembling serious football matches were being allowed to progress by officials less reminiscent of 1960's one hit wonder Whistling Jack Smith*. Scouseport, fresh from their mauling of Yeovil travelled to Need Park to be mauled in their turn. Despite, or perhaps because of, their manager Mark Wright's statement "we're not going into this game feeling worried" the Sandgrounders went down 4-0. Worry more Mark, worry more. The Bulls******s are still to concede a goal this season but couldn't force the issue up front and the game at Edgar Street with the Vics ended 0-0. Their second place was taken over by the *ucks. A few more fans managed to hold their maps up the right way and find their way to Worcester. Playing "away" doesn't seem to be handicapping the side that went over a year until close to the end of last season without getting a genuine away win. The 8ucks aren't exactly banging the goals in but a 1-0 victory, their third by that scoreline in four matches, over Forest Gump earned exactly the same number of points as Ru$hden's quartet. Ru$hden go to St. Georges Lane next Saturday for an early season top of the table clash.

Still to score a goal are Kettrin'. As they can't keep a clean sheet either it became 0 from 12 as Dover beat them by the odd goal at The Crabble.

Another team starting badly are many people's tip to challenge the Annies, Don't Arse. Another poor display saw Woking, who hadn't exactly come flying out of the traps themselves, pick up a first win through a Scott Steele penalty on 65 minutes. The Hell View faithful were much less faithful than usual with the crowd twelve hundred lower than for the opening home game of the season, and noises off are already mutinous with August not yet out. Don't Arse fans are not in good humour. Still they have always maintained they don't deserve to be in this Mickey Mouse league; wonder what they'd make of the Unibond if it ever came to it?

The K's turned in the worst performance he'd seen this season according to the BFG. Obviously he hasn't been scouting to check out next opponents Kettrin'. 'Ayes took advantage through a goal from Baptiste. It should have been two but Barry Moore missed a penalty 13 minutes later. Morescum have been a little up and down in the season to date but Monday was definitely an up in what was a scintillating game apparently, 4-2 over Nuneaton. Yet another penalty was missed, this time by Steve Walters.

DCB fans can't seem to grasp it; but what's new. Their ropy start isn't a little blip on their inevitable march to glory but the continuation of a dreadful season last term that would have seen them relegated but for a freak run of six wins in a row at the start. Eventually even they will presumably see that the twelve months since is rather more the norm than a few weeks a year ago. Well, possibly; they're not very bright in the main. The Daggers sliced them up 2-0 at Broadmoor Way. How are the mighty falling.

Early days, but the surprise package so far have been Leigh RMI. A 2-0 victory at Fawlty Towers over Scarborough CVA catapulted them into third place. Early days indeed: the only way is down for the Railwaymen.

This season we inaugurate the "Peace In Our Time" Trophy. To be awarded monthly it will go to the stupidest comment made relating, however broadly, to Conference football. This column's decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into. Naturally 'Sh*ts fans have to be excluded or there would be no competition at all. For the month of August, and honoured to be the first names inscribed, it goes jointly to........ NLOTN : Conference Preview prediction - Doncaster Rovers, Champions (my inside source - who could that be? - blames mootch) and HHH: "And at the end of it all the Champions are? Doncaster Rovers......".

HHH.