This week Conference Review is proud to bring you a World Exclusive. As was revealed in The Independent: 'In the foyer of Rushden and Diamonds hangs a signed photograph of Joanna Lumley, extending the club her "warmest good wishes". This classy lady is in a classy setting............ So, in Cup and League, let's join Joanna Lumley in sending "warmest good wishes" to Max, Brian and the lads.'".

What The Independent failed to provide its readers was a glimpse of the stylish English rose. Ciderspace never disappoints its audience. As classy as the club she graces this is this very picture.

Yes indeed, ever in search of a den for a quick rush, always willing to squander money to buy her way up the slippery staircase, and game for any bit of rough looking for a meal ticket, Patsy Stone is the face of Kick 'n' Ru$hden.

As EWBAMB"No Excuses"T himself says:"You cant but not enjoy the Diamonds, the facilities are first class, we are ambitious, .......and money-bags Diamonds pick up another free-transfer eh! .......So maybe the myth will change eventually." With Maxamillion Griggs only providing £20m of loose change we can see why EWBAMB"No Excuses"T feels he has to scrimp and save. We want no more $ and £ jibes. No more "What a waste of money!" catcalls. No more Loadsamoney accusations.

In fact, with the season of good will and giving upon us, this column wishes to launch the RANCID (Rushden Actually Needs Cash Injected Desperately) Appeal. Many other clubs and fans in the Conference should be more than willing to dip into their coffers and piggy banks in order that Tiny Annie can afford a real turkey for Christmas. £130,000 would be a nice goal - indeed could produce a lot of nice goals. Please give generously. It will make you feel so much better to know you have helped a team less fortunate than your own. Send your donations, however large, to:

RANCID, Need Park, Diamondless Way, Irthlingbeggar.

The boys and girls down at Park View Road are RANCID fans. Almost every week they can be heard yelling: "Give it to RANCID, its Yuletide!" [Are you sure that's not: "Give it, you rancid turd!" ed.] The Hobbits Hobbins have had a change of heart. Only last week they said of Ritchie Hanlon: "He's not going anywhere." Unfortunately for the GDWTW fans perusing their local paper, what they didn't realise was that the reporter's tape cassette ran out at that point, thus missing the crucial: ".......except back to Peterborough." With another loss, to Donny, on Saturday the disappearance of the man who has scored fourteen of their goals this season can only bring further gloom to the San Siro.

Justin Jackson, subject of a £20,000 bid from Belle Vue, put Morescum ahead but Jellyroll Janice's Girls are unbeatable at Haggborough at present and came back for their sixth consecutive home win. They moved up to fourth as the pack at the top was reshuffled. Kick 'n' Ru$hden found that their pathetic record against the *ucks was no myth as they scraped a point in the dying minutes. They have not beaten Telford in six attempts. This, with Yeovil Town's second half collapse at home to lowly 'Ayes, meant that Nuneaton moved back to the number one slot with a late goal in a 1-2 win at Slutton. Their success at this stage of the season is at least partly based on a plan to play all their games before winter ends. Kettrin' tried the same tactic last year: it didn't work. Dover bounced back from their defeat at Broadmoor Way last week to stay in the hunt with a 1-2 win over the aforementioned inhabitants of Rockingham Road.

Leatherhead Kingstonian are in all sorts of trouble at present: they have the grave misfortune of being supported by a total dock-head. Rather less embarrassing than that, they can't win, or even draw, football matches either. The K's haven't scored a goal or kept a clean sheet for four games. This, rather inevitably, adds up to nil points since the 6th of November. And talking of teams that can't win, Southport are in free-fall. Five defeats in a row and one point since early October has taken them into the relegation zone. Mark Wright's first match as manager was against the Vics, who had not won away all season long. They have now. The Bull*******s form away is pretty dismal too. The record was not improved with a 3-0 defeat at the McCain. Alty continue to draw more than Rolf "Can you see what it is yet?" Harris; another point on Saturday from the match-up with Forest Gump.

The biggest crowd of the day, just a smidgin under three thousand, saw Woking defeat the DCB with a hotly disputed goal. Did it cross the line? Of course it did! As your correspondent lives only a few miles away he can vouch with total certainty that, through his lounge window, he clearly saw the ball bounce yards over. Well done you Cards!

Filial Christmas duties mean that there will be no HHH Review on the 27th. But fear not, oh loyal readership, a Christmas Special will appear to tide you over until the next millennium. Wishing you all a happy New Year off the pitch; and a totally dismal one on it to anyone who doesn't follow the Mighty Green and Whites.