Some traditions are long-standing: like Christmas trees - well since Prince Albert introduced them in the 1840s; it always raining on Bank Holidays; and Britain going off to the Olympics full of hope only to return with two bronze medals for sports anyone has ever heard of and a gold from the Team Prone Running Boar Shooting and 4.329466 Metre Canadian White-water Kyak Combination event. Others are more recent, but treasured none the less: laughing at Ru$hden's failure to live up to the hype, expectation and pathetic self-delusion of their fans is becoming as traditional as an England batting collapse; and of course HHH's look ahead to the new season - as much required reading as the assembly instructions in a Kinder Egg.
Furthering this mood of traditions HHH predicts that the 2000-01 season will be er, traditional. That deals with Need Park. But hey, let's give the Annies a run for their money anyway. EWBAMBNET finds that all the players he has just spent £300,000 on aren't any good and they're all in the reserves by September. (****)King Brian spots the problem: the club with the undeserved moneybags reputation only holds nine of the positions in the all-time top twenty list of transfer fees paid by Non-League clubs. The fans agree; skinflint Max had better rectify this situation immediately! In October a protest sit-in is staged at Need Park. Several fans are so outraged that they are still in the ground an hour into the game. Such a show of passion and loyalty swiftly brings Maxamillion to his knees and eleven new players are brought in. The Annies now hold all twenty places; which neatly reflects their finishing position - twentieth from bottom. Concorde remains grounded.
Chester fans also turn out to be good traditionalists. They arrive shouting the odds about part-time football and pieces of cake and, as is traditional find they'll have plenty of time to do the same in 2001-02. This is fortunate as no one has actually heard them, courtesy of Mr Steve Chris Evans. For some reason that this column finds hard to understand it seems Boston has appointed that total tosser and sometime Peter Powell stand-in Chris Evans as their manager. From the collective I.Q. so far revealed by their fans since they gained promotion to the Conference a democratic vote on the terraces seems the most likely explanation. Chris' understanding of the beautiful game relies on his much self-publicised nodding acquaintance with some sad drunk wife-beater or other, but that doesn't stop him shouting the odds at every opportunity. In fact doubtless it positively encourages him. In April the legal suit brought by Boston to gain a place in the League is thrown out when the judge says that 21 promotion places from the Conference seems a bit excessive. By May Chris and the Pilgrims are so popular around the Conference that a counter suit is brought by the other 21 clubs to get Boston sent to the Isthmian so we never have to hear from them again. The court condemns them as a hazard to public health and it's off to the Ryman Premier. Unfortunately the Devil Borg and the 'Sh*ts have won promotion, so it's back to square one.
On August 25th Rookem Bymiles reveals his plan to save the club he has loved for almost five hours. Scarborough F.C. changes it's name to Scarborough.com and almost overnight it's losses rise to £12,000 a minute.
The new venue for the Trophy is announced by the F.A. - Kingsmeadow, so they don't have to fork out for a Group 4 transit to shift the silverware. The BFG duly takes the K's to the final where they win 142-0 as opponents Morescum see no point in turning up. The Trophy is renamed The Geoff Chapple Challenge Cup for the following season. Morescum's bitter rivals Scouseport are pronounced by everyone as the dark horses for the title. As is traditional with dark horses they come nowhere and everyone pretends they never mentioned them in the first place.
Nuneaton, with their brand new exciting strike force, score fifty goals and lead the table by 14 points at Christmas. They finish the season in 18th with fifty goals.
The DCB take over top spot from Nuneaton in the New Year and instantly sack Paul Fairclough. He and his family are banned from setting foot within a hundred miles of Broadmoor Way. Kevin Hales takes over and marches the DCB on to 20th place. A huge comet destroys the entire town of DML Champions elect Welling on May 5th and one or two people comment on the irony.
Woking take six points off Yeovil and spend the entire season one place above them. After each monthly Internet MOTM award the winning player gets a free transfer to Kingfield. Yeovil take six points off the Bulls******s but spend the entire season two places below them.
In October Telford are fined for painting the *uckhead pitch green. They play the rest of the season at Worcester, along with the Vics in the first triple ground share.
Leigh RMI have their year in the Conference.
Everyone else is too boring to worry about except........Don't Arse. They win the Macmillan for the third year running when the final is reduced to a toss of a coin because of the traditional end of season backlog of matches. 18,021 Doncaster fans turn up to see Fatboy Fat call correctly. John Moules is quoted as saying "This important competition has been in no way devalued". And at the end of it all the Champions are? Doncaster Rovers - and good riddance.
And with that the final tradition is in place - that all HHH's predictions are spectacularly wrong.
HHH.
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