DALE WINTON : Good morning Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dale Winton, welcome to a special edition of...Supermarket Sweep, the show where ordinary housewives guess the prices of everyday items from their local supermarkets - to win prizes themselves! Today's show is a little different though - today we are featuring three football club managers and seeing how much they would pay for players! Yes, it really is that simple! Let's meet our managers!

[applause]

DALE : Manager 1, what's your name and where do you come from?

MANAGER 1 : Hello Dale, my name's Alex and I live in Manchester. How much time is left?

DALE : Hi Alex, is your club rich?

ALEX : Stupendously rich, yes Dale. I've got my stopwatch running mind.

DALE : Well, lucky you! Manager 2, what's your name and where do you come from?

MANAGER 2 : Hi Dale, my name's Colin and I'm from Surrey.

DALE : Hi Colin, can I call you Big Col? Is your club rich?

BIG COL : We have no money to spend at all Dale, and yes you may call me Big if you like. In fact we're so poor you can call me anything, I can't afford to take offence.

DALE : Never mind Big Col, perhaps you can win something today to take back with you to Surrey - good luck anyway, I think you're going to need it. Manager 3, whats your name and where do you come from?

MANAGER 3 : Hi Dale, my name's Brian and I come from Irthlingborough!

DALE: Irthlingborough? Where's that?

MANAGER 3 : Er, it's near Kettering, Dale.

DALE : Oh, right, I'll call you EWBAMBNET for short if I may. Is your club rich?

EWBAMBNET : No more so than any other Conference club and I'll sue anyone who says different.

DALE : Right, fine, let's go straight into the show. Here we give you a selection of footballers and ask you to bid for them. The manager who makes the nearest offer to the real price gets to take him back to their club!

First up we have a 32 year-old striker, 6 weeks away from the end of his current contract. He's a prolific goalscorer in the 3rd Division and has also played at the highest level. Alex first, what would you bid?

ALEX : Me? I wouldnae bid anything, don't want him.

DALE : Fair enough, good answer. Try not to be so gruff sweetie. Big Col, what would you bid?

BIG COL : I would wait 6 weeks for his contract to run out and then try to tempt him to sign for us under the Bosman ruling.

DALE : Ooh, I see, sensible but boring. Good answer though! How about you EWBAMBNET?

EWBAMBNET : Prolific striker? Er, £200,000, no £250,000, alright I'll go up to £300,000 but that's my final offer. Please say he'll join us!

DALE : Hmm, sorry, £300,000 may not be quite enough...

EWBAMBNET : I'll give half-a-million!

DALE : Done, and your chairman certainly has been! Alright boys, next up is this very reasonable left-sided defender, available on a free transfer, has been playing in a 2nd Division club's reserve side but is looking for first-team football at Conference level - the only thing is he would like to stay full-time if possible... Alex?

ALEX : Och, no, I'm after a higher standard of player altogether.

DALE : Very well, Big Col?

BIG COL : I'd be very interested in signing him but can't offer him full-time football. I'm afraid he would have to go part-time.

DALE : Ooh, I don't think that would tempt him. EWBAMBNET?

EWBAMBNET : £30,000!

DALE: No, dear... He's available on a free transfer.

EWBAMBNET: £30,000 for a signing on fee I meant! And he can go full time! What position does he play again?

DALE [sighing] : Very well, you've won again! How many players are at your club? Anyway, here's our final player of the show. This gentleman is at the peak of his career and plys his trade in Italy at the moment. He also plays for his country in South America and is widely regarded as probably the best player in the world... Alex, can we tempt you to spend some money at last?

ALEX : Aye, I'll give you 30 million quid.

DALE : Ooh, that's what I call an offer I can't refuse! What a whopper! I don't think there's much point in me asking these other 2 gentlemen if they want to bid...

BIG COL : I'm going home, what a waste of time...

EWBAMBNET : 31 million!

DALE : Pardon? Did I hear you right?

EWBAMBNET : Alright, 32 million! And a company car!

ALEX : Och, I cannae compete with this, the man's got more money than sense!

EWBAMBNET : 33 million, a company car and as many pairs of boots as he can carry!

DALE : Alright, calm down, calm down...

EWBAMBNET : 35 million and that's my final offer!

ALEX : Bloody sassenachs!

EWBAMBNET : 40 million pounds and not a penny more!

DALE : Alright already, he's yours! [phone rings, Dale answers it]. Yes? Who? Your name is Max? How can I help you Max? Tell EWBAMBNET he's fired? Okay Max. No, I haven't got Kenny Dalglish's phone number, get off the line...

[credits roll, audience applauds, EWBAMBNET collapses foaming at the mouth, Big Col starts to sob quietly, Alex points out the programme has overrun by 12 seconds]