The side terrace at Stevenage.

Last year's Ciderspace profile on Borough went down a storm in Stevenage. They really loved it, with claims that it was actionable and we should be sued. Ciderspace is apparently "constantly felt to be offensive by many Boro fans" - and who are we to disappoint them this time around?

The reason most Stevenage followers are so defensive is of course that they are not Stevenage fans at all. They are Arsenal or Tottenham fans, mainly Arsenal naturally, since the footballing balance of power in North London swung so decisively, who either can't or are too mean to get tickets to see their first club. They thus trudge along to Broadhall Way in a disgruntled mood, trannies jammed in their ears to catch the latest from Highbury or White Hart Lane, whilst feeling obliged to loudly protest their undying commitment to a level of football they secretly think is beneath them. Put two Stevenage followers in a room and, once discussing the relative merits of Sylvain Wiltord and Sergei Rebrov has finished, they'll talk about, in order:
1) How Gary Mabbutt (insert any other unrealistic big name you wish once the second lager has been ordered) is dying to manage Boro.
2) How they are too big for the Conference.
3) How a whole series of big name players want to come to Boro.
4) How next season they will realize their true potential.
5) How everyone hates them because of 1 to 4.
6) Why they are better than Woking.

In truth no one hates Boro anymore. Boro followers must long for the days when people did take them seriously. It's worse, much worse, than that: other fans simply laugh at them and their ridiculous pretensions. They can't seem to come to terms with the fact that they are not a power in the Conference, and haven't been for half a decade. 15th, 6th, 10th, 7th, and 11th isn't exactly scaring anybody. But anything is better than being dismissed as mediocre also rans, so Boro followers stoutly bury their heads in the sand, maintain that everyone is really jealous of their greatness, and hope Arsenal will keep their interest in the football season alive once again.......

Last season they had a new angle to compensate for their failings on the pitch: Club of the Future! Chairman Phil Wallace was to lead us all into a brave new world. Let's forget the debacle made of presenting the Conference bid for an extra promotion place to the League Chairmen in 2001. And remember the play-off scheme created for the start of last season? Oops, let's forget that too. But what about You're the Manager. Recall that little episode, do you? Well of course no one recalls an episode because none were actually made, but you will recall the self-trumpeting hullabaloo kicked up.

We're proud of our club and our league and believe that this is an ideal opportunity to highlight the professionalism of the Nationwide Conference. The fact that viewers and fans will be helping to pick our team for a short while doesn't worry me at all - the collective opinions from our very loyal supporters should be as good as anyone's. They all believe passionately that they can make a difference to the results, so here's a chance for them to be involved for six weeks. You never know, they might get us back in contention. - Phil Wallace.

So: a revolutionary concept; bringing Stevenage and Non-league into the 21st Century; anyone pointing out the flaws a small child would have spotted in 30 seconds was deemed jealous and a Stevenage hater. Still, maybe the average TV viewer was more likely than then real manager Paul Fairclough to get them back in contention. As it turned out he would have found himself being sacked right in the middle of the programme's run, if it had ever struggled to its feet. Oddly almost everyone else in football thought it an idea of complete stupidity, and it was knocked on the head. But has there ever been a word of thanks from Stevenage for the rest of us saving them from making utter prats of themselves?....... nope, not a one. As they so accurately say on their Official Site:

Stevenage Borough Football Club, the first football club to offer live stand up comedy.......

A few months on and a long search on the Stevenage Official site revealed no reference to this humiliating farce - but fear not 'Boro fans, you'll be glad to know that Ciderspace keeps better archives, so relive those moments that never happened:

"Viewers will be involved in the team selection of this Nationwide Conference side, voting up to three players out each week and selecting their replacements. The series will follow the fortunes of the club, with access to the matches and the dressing room. In addition, cameras will film the ups and downs of the semi-professional team's home and work lives, featuring their family and friends. The team are currently in the bottom half of the Conference, the league below the Third Division."

"Pick a Player
Each week a panel of the club's fans - the Fans' Forum - will nominate three players to be voted off the team for one match.
The manager, Paul Fairclough, will select three players from his squad who did not play in the previous match.
Viewers will then cast their votes by telephone to select the final three players."

"Change a Player
Using SMS texting, fans attending both home and away games and who have registered in advance, will be able to vote on which players should be substituted and when.

You're The Manager is being made with the full co-operation of the club, including management and players and was overwhelmingly welcomed at a special fans forum held today."

Was that so? You try and find any Stevenage follower today who'll admit to that. In fact try finding one who'll even admit You're The Manager ever existed........

Anyway on to, who is the manager now? Wayne Turner, decent bloke. Out of his depth?
The side he picked up from Fairclough were mostly journeymen, who'd been doing little and going nowhere for a while. As this season opens they have...... mostly journeymen, who will be doing little and going nowhere for a while. Mostly exactly the same journeymen.

The new away stand at Broadhall Way.

Prediction corner : We were in fact rather too generous to Stevenage last season, making the huffing and puffing about legal action even more pathetic: we predicted a 6th or 7th place, but a bit of a late flurry got them up to 11th, 29 points off the pace. A run of home games got Boro to the semi-finals of the F.A. Trophy, and there they slightly surprised everyone, including themselves one suspects, by beating Morecambe over two legs and reaching their first ever Trophy Final. No such heights for them this time, out of the Cups early and likely to struggle to make a play-off berth: 9th is our prediction.

Local Pubs :

Local attractions include a Harvester across the road, which is.... well like every other Harvester actually. Have you ever been to a Harvester before? Twice?? Thought not! The walk from the station leads you past the unjolly Edward the Confessor public house. We don't recommend it.

There are some better pubs in the Old Town, of which the pick of the crop is the Marquis of Lorne. It even has some (alleged) Stevenage supporters in it, but don't worry - they said they weren't going to Broadhall Way because Arsenal was live on TV. No one should upset people in their own pub, so we didn't roll around the floor laughing..... until after they'd gone.

A Wetherspoon has fairly recently appeared, The Standing Order, which is also in the High Street. When we visited it was the usual Wetherspoon formula, but badly done. Most of the beers were off, and the food was very poor and almost cold. We sent it back. It re-arrived, very poor, but verging on the warm. However there were plenty of customers, so perhaps they were just having an off night.

The Standing Order in the High Street - Stevenage looks better at night.

For those of a peckish nature, there are THREE pubs out of the Hungry Horse stable in the area. The Old Red Lion in the Shephall district of Stevenage is the most convenient for the ground; there is also The Crooked Billet in Symonds Green, and The Swan in Chells Way.

The best pub for miles is the Rising Sun at Halls Green, but it only seems to open for 30 minutes a day; and after living in Hertfordshire for 15 years took us 200 miles of driving and a week to find. The pint of McMullen we had time for before racing back for a 7.45 kick-off, when the landlord finally decided that part of his job description involved letting customers in, was very pleasant.

Likelihood the Natives Will Understand You :

High, especially if you perfect the Mockney whine the natives seem to be so fond of. For additional credibility, wear an Arsenal or Tottenham shirt around town - and there was me thinking Stevenage was in Hertfordshire!

Top-Tip :

Drink in London and get the last possible fast train. Leave on the first possible fast train and drink in London. You’ll thank us! Oh, and have your lawyer's number to hand in case they want to sue you.