Chairman: (shouting) Manager....manager....manager....manager....manager...manager....manager.... manager
Fan: Two good players please.
Chairman: I haven't got any good players, I've just got this bloody manager....(shouts) Manager!
Fan: What flavour is it?
Chairman: It's a manager mate, it's a bloody manager, it's not any bloody flavour ....(shouts) Manager.
Fan: It's got to be some flavour, I mean everything's got a flavour.
Chairman: All right, it's bloody manager flavour, it's bloody ex bloody League bloody manager flavour - all right?!....(shouts) Manager!
Fan: Do you get wafers with it?
Chairman: Course you don't get bloody wafers with it, it's a bloody manager isn't it...(shouts) Manager!
Fan: I'll have a Director of Football please.
Chairman: I've only got this manager. You're banned....(shouts) Manager....manager.... manager....manager.

And so Mr. David Wife and his webb came to Huish Park.

Voiceover: This man is no ordinary man. This is Mr. D. W. Superman. To all appearances, he looks like any other law-abiding citizen. But Mr. D. W. Superman has a secret identity. When trouble strikes at any time, at any place, he is ready to become... FOOTBALL CLUB REPAIR MAN!
Chairman: Hey, I've a football club broken, up the road.
DW: Hmmmmm. This sounds like a job for.. Football Club Repair Man.... but how to change without revealing my secret identity?
Chairman: If only Football Club Repair Man were here!
DW: Yes, wait, I think I know where I can find him. Look over there!
Caption: FLASH!
Director 1: Oh look... is it a Director of Football?
Director 2: Is it a consultant?
Director 3: Is it a Technical Director?
Chairman: NO! It's Football Club Repair Man!
Directors 1, 2 and 3: Football Club Repair Man, but how?
Chairman: MY! Football Club Repair Man! Thank goodness you've come! Look!
Caption: Train! Scout! Buy! Sell! Fitness! Sack! Tactics!
Director 1: Why, he's mending it with his own hands!
Director 2: See how he uses a chalk-board to tighten that defence!
Chairman: Oh, oh Football Club Repairman, how can we ever repay you?
FCRM: Oh, you don't need to guv. It's all in a days work for... Football Club Repair Man! Though a few shares would come in handy.
Directors 1, 2 and 3: Our Hero!
Voiceover: Yes! Whenever football clubs are broken, or menaced by international communism, Football Club Repair Man is ready! Just ask Bournemouth (80-82) or Torquay (84-85) or Southend (86-87 and 88-92 as General Manager) or Chelsea (93) or Brentford (93-97).

An eagle-eyed reader has pointed out a small error in last week's column. [Just the one? Ed.] When we said that ticket prices would go down to reward fans at Edgar Street when the Bull******** got into the top three we actually should have said they would go up to punish them. Pathetically picky we know, and you'd never think it would come to fruition. But goodness me they have gone and done it. Away fans will also have this exciting privilege. So come on Woking and Forest Gump! Knock 'em out of third so we don't have to fork out that extra quid on April 8th, please.

HHH.